Colombiana (PG-13)
Scott:
Michael I: Tonight I'm reviewing "Colombiana", starring Zoe Saldana as the beautiful Cataleya Restrepo, a badass female assassin seeking revenge for her parents' deaths.
Sound familiar? Yeah, it should. If I had a nickel for every female badass movie that I've watched lately, I might be able to buy one of those expensive lattes from Starbucks. Not that I'm going to complain about watching a movie with the same subject matter as long as it surprises me a little. And I admit, it did. A little.
The beginning of "Colombiana" sets up how the filmmakers uneasily mix realistic settings with ridiculous action sequences, with the world of pre-teen Cataleya being chased through the slums of Bogota, Colombia, to the safety of the American consulate. All while using parkour and the sewers to escape a half dozen armed thugs.
The rest of Cataleya's childhood is spent in Chicago under the tutelage of her uncle Emilio (the versatile Cliff Curtis), and somewhere along the line she's trained to become an assassin although it's never explained what training she received.
I'm okay with that, but there's far too many plot holes to take this movie seriously. Unfortunately, the audience also thought so and seemed to laugh when they weren't supposed to. Although, I don't think they realized that they weren't supposed to be laughing. Awkward, huh?
Of course there's the tired cliches that we've seen for years like the obligatory romantic interest (Michael Vartan), so he can show how emotionally detached Cataleya is from her murderous ways and the tired cop who gets too close for his own good (Lennie James).
One huge pet peeve that I have is what I call 'time-inappropriate props', because apparently no one remembers what 1992 was like. Whose bright idea was it to make a SD card a plot point? They existed back then? Did they really? If SD cards did exist, how could the cards be used with the Apple II's that the characters were popping them in? And apparently the prop master has forgotten that $5 bills didn't look like Monopoly money back in the 90's, either.
The surprises -- unfortunately -- were the ridiculousness of the story. Granted, this movie reminded me of a lot of other action movies that I've enjoyed for years. Movies like "The Professional", "The Transporter", "Le Femme Nikita" -- wait, there's a common thread there: writer Luc Besson. If Luc Besson was the creative genius behind so many great action movies, how could he fail so miserably at this one?
Maybe because this movie was inspired by an unmade sequel to The Professional? Yeah, you read that right. But what stinks about "Colombiana" taking a story that was meant for other characters, is that fans of "The Professional" will always watch "Colombiana" with contempt that it was supposed to be something so much better.
I give "Colombiana" two stars and it's lucky to have that. If you love ridiculous, but somewhat fun, action movies like the "Transporter" and "Crank" series, then this movie's for you.
